Parenting During A Divorce

The biggest goal I have right now is trying not to scar my kids for life during our divorce! But exactly what's the best way to handle it?

Recently I heard a quote on a TV show and it hit home! "I wasn't a good wife, but I'm a good mom". I plan to stay a good mom. I can't claim that I've handled things perfectly up till now, but I intend to do better from now on. I know the basics. Don't fight in front of the kids. Don't talk bad, to your kids, about the other parent. Try to be a team when parenting.

Divorce is hard on everyone, and the kids are hurting too. They're probably scared and unsure about what will happen in the future. Take your kids' ages into account. My 3 year old doesn't really know what's happening, but even he has questions. But you also have to consider your child's personality when answering their questions. My 7 year old daughter understands more about what's happening, but she's extremely sensitive.  She's also very smart, observant and precocious.

Right now I'm focusing on trying to stick to our routine the best I can. Their dad works 60-70 hours a week, so they're used to him not being home a lot. But he comes over almost everyday to see them. They don't ask "where's daddy" too often though. What broke my heart the most was the first time my daughter said we weren't a family anymore. I explained that we're still a family, just the look of our family has changed.

Since my kiddos are with me basically 24/7 right now, I feel like I have to be the one dealing with the majority of their questions and sometimes that's frustrating. But I just remind myself to look at things from their point of view. And be honest, but not always brutally honest. They don't need to know too many details.  It's not their divorce.  What they need to know, more than anything else, is that you and your ex still love them more than anything!!

Right now, their dad and I, are co-parenting the best we can. But remember, if you had differences in parenting before the divorce-they will probably seem a lot more extreme now. But make sure you don't make the kids feel guilty for loving both of you equally. Your kids are not a competition! Give them your full attention and don't try to buy or demand their affection! Make sure they know you're there for them, no matter what happens and that you're there to support them the best you can.

In order to take care of your kids, you have to take care of yourself too! Physically, psychologically and emotionally. If you feel like you or your kids need extra help, get it! There's no shame in needing help. Whether it's for advice or someone to talk to or vent to. At the beginning, I admit, I felt like I was failing my kids. I felt like I was such a wreck and so scared, that I wasn't doing my best for my precious kiddos. But I tried to put on my strong, happy face and carry on like it was any other day. Sometimes I succeeded, other times not so much. But I always made sure I was there for them, any way they needed me to be. I tried to keep them occupied as much as I could. We did lots of crafts, projects and cooking together. It was good for all of us! It kept our minds occupied  and strengthened our bond.

Just do your best, that's all we can truly ask of ourselves. Sometimes you'll have to play it by ear or wing it, but just remember to do what's best for them!! Have faith in yourself as a parent and be kind to them! They're already upset and confused, don't add to their stress.

Thanks, as always, for reading. Please leave a comment or feel free to private message me. My email and Facebook  are on my contact page. I'd really love to hear from you! Be kind to yourselves and to others!

How To Stay Close to Your Stepchildren During a Divorce

One of the biggest fears I had when my marriage ended was what would happen to my relationship with my stepdaughter! Each person's situation is different but I'll tell you my story.

When my ex-husband and I starting dating, he had a beautiful daughter who was just turning one. At the time, I thought I didn't want to have children of my own. But I was excited to be a part of her life. Honestly I fell in love with her before I fell in love with her dad!

Being a part of her life is what convinced me that I wanted to have my own little kiddos. She was with us several days a week and we included her in everything we could. I think it helped because I had a friendly relationship with her mom also. I know I wasn't a perfect step mom, but I tried my best. We never fought much and never really went through a phase where we didn't get along. As she became a teenager, she pulled away a little but I figured that was normal. Looking back now, I'm sure she knew that her dad and I weren't getting along. Her and her dad have always been very close.

When our marriage ended, I know I began pulling away from her. I was afraid she would take her dad's side and I didn't know what she was hearing from him. But most of all, I pulled away because I knew I'd eventually lose her. Once my ex got his own place and would only be here when he picked up the kids- that meant I wouldn't be seeing her very much. I felt her pull away from me too and it just broke my heart. On top of the obvious break up awkwardness, she was also introduced to the new woman her dad was seeing. I'll admit that I was embarrassed, jealous, angry and scared of being replaced.

I asked her dad several times how he thought I should handle the situation. He said it was between her and I, and he wasn't getting involved. I was clueless!! I felt like I wasn't good enough at being an adult to handle it. Adulting is not always my strong suit!! But one day I decided to put on my step mom big girl panties and take the leap. I text her and apologized for pushing her away and I admitted to her that I just didn't know the best way to handle the situation. She told me that she had felt the same way and just didn't know how to act towards me either. I think it was natural for us to distance ourselves from each other because it was just an odd situation. I told her that I would always consider her partly mine and that I hoped I could remain part of her life. She told me that she'd always consider me part of her family. To say the least, a huge weight was lifted off my heart and I felt like now we had jumped over this hurdle.

My stepdaughter is a beautiful, amazing, sweet and hilarious young lady!  She is turning 14 in less than  2 weeks, which breaks my heart!  I've watched her and been there as she's grown up into such a great person!  She has been an outstanding big sister since the day each of my children were born and continues to be now.  The kids and I are so lucky to have this kooky and wonderful girl as a part of our lives! And I am so lucky that she is understanding enough to see that I didn't always handle things like an expert, but I'm doing my best now.

Since the night I text her to apologize, we have actually grown closer! She knows how much I love her and that I don't want to lose her. Whatever happens in her dad's life, I know that her and I will remain friends. That's the key to our relationship right now,  friendship and love! You divorce spouses, not kids! They have no control over being brought into a marriage or being taken out of a marriage. You can't blame them for how they choose to react to the situation. They are just as confused and unsure as we are and trying to handle things the best way they know how. So the only advice I will give anyone in a similar situation is just to talk to them. If you have a good relationship with them, you can discuss things with them and decide how to deal with it. Don't turn your back on them out of anger or fear. It will be awkward sometimes, but you can get through it together!!

I hope you all enjoyed this post and I truly hope I've helped at least one person who may be going through the same struggles right now!  Thanks so much for reading and I'd love to have you follow my blog, or follow me on social media! Have a great day and be kind to yourself!!

Starting Over at 40

Turning 40 didn't bother me. Turning 40 in the midst of my life being in a total upheaval did bother me! That day all I could think about was that this is not where I saw myself being at 40 years old.  I was single after 12 years and would eventually have to start dating again. The thought of dating makes me cringe to be honest! But dating is pretty low on my list of concerns right now. I'm more concerned that I'm currently a SAHM, with no job and no money saved up. And to be very honest, I'm still emotionally a mess after the break up.  I know there are many women, and men, that have been in a similar situation. I truly believe that relating to other people, and hearing their stories, can help you heal. Or at least not feel so alone.

Eight months ago, my "husband" told me he wanted out. We actually divorced a few years ago, but got back together shortly after the divorce was final. We didn't remarry though. But as far as I was concerned, he was still my husband. I knew we had problems and honestly I didn't know how to fix things. In the back of my mind, I always had hope that things would get better and we'd figure out how to be happy! But I also didn't foresee us splitting up again anytime in the near future. My first reaction was to beg for another chance at working through our problems, which he totally shot down. Then I was terrified about how it would effect our kids. Then I was terrified about losing my step-daughter, that I've been with since she was one.  I'll be talking about that more in the next post.  And then the heartbreak, rejection, humiliation and feelings of being a failure set in. All of those feelings totally suck!!!

I've been a SAHM for almost 2 years and I love it! I want to be at home with my kids. Its the hardest, and most rewarding, job I've ever had! To be totally honest, I don't want to go back to working outside the home. Dealing with babysitters, finding a job with no college degree and making sure I can continue to homeschool my kids. When we first split, I applied to tons of places that would pay enough for me to support the kids and I. But that didn't work out well. So then I was determined to find an online job or ways to make money at home. That hasn't worked out well either. I don't really have any specific direction for my life right now, other than being a mom. After years of considering it, I decided to start a couple blogs. Thinking it would a good outlet for my yo-yo of daily emotions.  But not being computer savvy, I felt like I was doing everything wrong. I was confused at every step and had no idea what I was doing! I still don't. I can't figure out how to switch from wordpress.com to wordpress.org for my other blog. On this one, I still have 23 days before I can switch to self-hosted.

For the last 8 months, my ex and I have had an unorthodox break up. Due to the situation and circumstances, I still see him everyday. But during that entire time, I've also had a front row seat as he falls in love with another woman. That definitely doesn't help you get over the heartbreak, anger and feelings of failure!! But he has also continued to give me enough money to pay the bills without me going back to work right away. We even share a vehicle right now. I'm grateful for his help, but I hate being completely reliant on him. And I know time is running out and I'll have to start supporting my family on my own soon. I know it'll help me get over the situation easier once I'm not dependent on him, but it seems like everything I try hasn't panned out and honestly I'm just discouraged at this point!

Many of us have self-esteem issues. And going through a break up just beats your self image down more and more. I used to be a free-spirited, bubbly, optimistic young woman. But lets be honest. Now I'm 50 pounds overweight, cynical, unemployed, broke and feel like my kids are the only thing I've ever done right! And now I feel like I've let my kids down because I'm stuck in a rut and not strong enough to pull myself out. But that's nothing that millions of others haven't felt. I know I just have to find the strength to pull myself up, kick myself in the booty and do whatever I have to do. All I truly care about is being the best mother I can be and being a good person! So that's what I have to stay focused on each and every day!

Ok, so now you've listened to a small description of my crazy situation, and listened to me whine about my situation. And I thank you for that. Maybe you can relate to my situation and my feelings. In the next few posts, I plan to talk more about my current situation. Including how to deal with the kids during our break up, how my stepdaughter and I are dealing with the situation and how I'm ever gonna get my 'groove' back in order to date again...one day!  I hope you'll follow my blog and keep reading. Also, please follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. And please, please, please leave comments down below or message me personally. I'd  love to hear if you've been in a similar situation or if you have any advice for me!! Hope you all have a great day!!

Simple Cheese Croquettes

"It's basically fried cheese"! That's what my 7 year old said when I made cheese croquettes today. As I've said before, cheese is very popular in my house. Well I have a simple and super tasty recipe that you should definitely try out if you're a fan of cheese!

Croquettes can be made in so many different ways. By adding mashed potatoes, crumbled bacon, diced ham, peppers, mashed cauliflower or almost anything else-the possibilities are endless.

Ingredients 

1/4 c butter

1/4 c flour

1 c milk

8 oz shredded cheese-I used Colby Jack this time

1/4 tsp garlic powder

salt and pepper

additional flour

2 large eggs

2-4 c Panko crumbs

vegetable oil

Directions

In a medium saucepan, melt butter over med heat. Add flour and whisk. Let the mixture cook for about 1-2 mins to get rid of the floury taste. Slowly add in milk while whisking and stir till mixture thickens. Add garlic powder, salt, pepper and shredded cheese. Stir with a wooden spoon till all the cheese is melted and incorporated. Pour the mixture into a freezer safe bowl. Let it cool in the freezer for 15-20 mins.

Once it's completely cooled, use your hands to roll the mixture into "meatball" sized balls and put on a pan lined with parchment paper or foil. If the balls start to get sticky, put them back in the freezer for 10 mins.

Use 3 med sized bowls. Add 1 cup of flour to one bowl, in the next bowl whisk 2 eggs and in the third bowl, add 2 cups of Panko crumbs. You could also use regular bread crumbs or cracker crumbs. Add a dash of salt and a dash of pepper to the crumbs and mix together. Roll each ball of cheese mixture in the flour till coated. Then roll in the egg wash and then the crumbs. Press the crumbs gently in to the cheese as you coat it. Set each coated cheese ball back on the pan till they are all coated.

In another medium saucepan, add vegetable oil till it is about half full. Heat over medium heat for about 5-7 mins. Sprinkle a few panko crumbs in to the oil. If they start to fry, your oil is ready. Add 3 croquettes to the hot oil and fry for 3-4 mins. Use a slotted spoon to turn the croquettes and fry for 3 more mins. Once they are a light golden brown, remove with your slotted spoon and lay them on a plate covered with paper towels. The temperature of the oil will cool slightly as the croquettes cook, so wait about 2 mins between each batch in order for the oil to heat up again. Let the croquettes cool for about 5 mins before eating.

They're wonderful with a dipping sauce of your choice also!

I hope you all enjoy this recipe and have fun adding different ingredients each time you make them!

Please leave a comment and let me know what you thought of this recipe. Have a great day!!