Eight months ago, my "husband" told me he wanted out. We actually divorced a few years ago, but got back together shortly after the divorce was final. We didn't remarry though. But as far as I was concerned, he was still my husband. I knew we had problems and honestly I didn't know how to fix things. In the back of my mind, I always had hope that things would get better and we'd figure out how to be happy! But I also didn't foresee us splitting up again anytime in the near future. My first reaction was to beg for another chance at working through our problems, which he totally shot down. Then I was terrified about how it would effect our kids. Then I was terrified about losing my step-daughter, that I've been with since she was one. I'll be talking about that more in the next post. And then the heartbreak, rejection, humiliation and feelings of being a failure set in. All of those feelings totally suck!!!
I've been a SAHM for almost 2 years and I love it! I want to be at home with my kids. Its the hardest, and most rewarding, job I've ever had! To be totally honest, I don't want to go back to working outside the home. Dealing with babysitters, finding a job with no college degree and making sure I can continue to homeschool my kids. When we first split, I applied to tons of places that would pay enough for me to support the kids and I. But that didn't work out well. So then I was determined to find an online job or ways to make money at home. That hasn't worked out well either. I don't really have any specific direction for my life right now, other than being a mom. After years of considering it, I decided to start a couple blogs. Thinking it would a good outlet for my yo-yo of daily emotions. But not being computer savvy, I felt like I was doing everything wrong. I was confused at every step and had no idea what I was doing! I still don't. I can't figure out how to switch from wordpress.com to wordpress.org for my other blog. On this one, I still have 23 days before I can switch to self-hosted.
For the last 8 months, my ex and I have had an unorthodox break up. Due to the situation and circumstances, I still see him everyday. But during that entire time, I've also had a front row seat as he falls in love with another woman. That definitely doesn't help you get over the heartbreak, anger and feelings of failure!! But he has also continued to give me enough money to pay the bills without me going back to work right away. We even share a vehicle right now. I'm grateful for his help, but I hate being completely reliant on him. And I know time is running out and I'll have to start supporting my family on my own soon. I know it'll help me get over the situation easier once I'm not dependent on him, but it seems like everything I try hasn't panned out and honestly I'm just discouraged at this point!
Many of us have self-esteem issues. And going through a break up just beats your self image down more and more. I used to be a free-spirited, bubbly, optimistic young woman. But lets be honest. Now I'm 50 pounds overweight, cynical, unemployed, broke and feel like my kids are the only thing I've ever done right! And now I feel like I've let my kids down because I'm stuck in a rut and not strong enough to pull myself out. But that's nothing that millions of others haven't felt. I know I just have to find the strength to pull myself up, kick myself in the booty and do whatever I have to do. All I truly care about is being the best mother I can be and being a good person! So that's what I have to stay focused on each and every day!
Ok, so now you've listened to a small description of my crazy situation, and listened to me whine about my situation. And I thank you for that. Maybe you can relate to my situation and my feelings. In the next few posts, I plan to talk more about my current situation. Including how to deal with the kids during our break up, how my stepdaughter and I are dealing with the situation and how I'm ever gonna get my 'groove' back in order to date again...one day! I hope you'll follow my blog and keep reading. Also, please follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. And please, please, please leave comments down below or message me personally. I'd love to hear if you've been in a similar situation or if you have any advice for me!! Hope you all have a great day!!
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